By Sukie de la Croix

A shocking new report has just been published that finds that lesbians over 50-years-old are turning to therapists, aromatherapy and crack cocaine in greater numbers since Hillary Clinton’s failure to become the Democratic presidential nominee. The report finds that Vietnam War-era baby boomers who were born wimmyn and love wimmyn and fried tofu are suffering from depression, anger issues and castration fantasies. Over 50-year-old lesbians blame the sexist, male-dominated media for ruining Clinton’s chances of becoming the first female U.S. president since Jimmy Carter.

One symptom of this wave of Granola Lebo-Angst is that the sufferers lose all sense of feeling in their funny bone and lash out at any writer with a pen and a penis. As a male writer I’ve tiptoed through the minefield of the Obama/Clinton race and I’ve treated them both equally. In fact, I like both of them for different reasons, e.g., Obama is a great orator and an intellectual, and Hillary Clinton would look great ironing my shirts topless because she’s got a great pair of tits. Having said that, I think Clinton would be a stronger Commander-in-Chief, better at sorting out the health system in this country and would look really hot bent over a pool table in a French maid’s outfit and wearing crotchless panties.

But seriously, joking aside, the U.S. is so behind-the-times when it comes to wimmyn in positions of power. Feminists still have a lot of work to do to stamp out sexism in this country and men have to learn how to listen and not treat women as sexual objects. American herstory is punctuated by powerful wimmyn like Gloria Steinem, the accomplished writer and founder of Ms. magazine, who not only was the spokesperson for a generation of women but also had a great big honking pair of tits. You could suckle a litter of pigs on those babies.

Then there was that other slice of babe-O-liciousness, Susan B. Anthony, the New England Quaker woman with a strong sense of moral justice and a rack you could sit your cocktail on. Anthony, as well as campaigning for women’s rights for 45 years, still managed to keep herself trim, and when she died March 13, 1906, aged 86, her buns were so tight you could bounce tennis balls off her ass. As one of her gal pals was heard to remark: “Susan had a shit-hot body, and it didn’t bother me she had a face like a bowl of crab legs because I always sat on that part.”

There’s nothing wrong with wimmyn who make a difference keeping in shape at the same time. Jane Addams may have been the founder of the U.S. settlement house movement and the first American woman to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize but she also trimmed down her ass cleavage by mud-wrestling nude with her other half, Ellen Gates Starr. Between baking cookies she also found time to write the book “A Feminist Guide to Lipsticks and Keeping Your Man Happy.”

Which brings me to my new moneymaking scheme. I’m currently casting for a series of DVDs called “Feminists Gone Wild.” If you’re a lesbian separatist, over 50, and you’ve read Betty Friedan’s “The Feminine Mystique,” memorized inane slogans like “The Personal is Political” and you’re willing to burn your bra and jiggle your jugglies at the camera, then contact me.



Lefty groups and assorted other people with no sense of humor can send their death threats and fatwas to Sukie de la Croix at delacroix@chicagofreepress.com.